2002-01-31 - 4:53 a.m.
I am feeling... 
"I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."
Greetings and salutations.....
Two more classes to go until I go home. Plus, I need to revise my paper for Expository Writing, and write a book summary for History of the Far East (not to mention read the book it's on).
Will either get done? No. Why?
Because it just doesn't work that way.
Every night, I look at the pile of homework I have to do, and help absolutely helpless. I end up doing none of it, and feeling even more shitty every single night.
I sleep too much. I barely eat. I skip too many classes. I don't do any homework. Sounds like a typical college student, right?
Wrong. There's more to this than meets the eye. ::sigh:: I'm obsessive compulsive, and it's making me crazy.
I have mentioned this before to certain people, in the really bad moments, and I am SO FUCKING SICK of these assholes telling me that just because I don't wash my hands a million times, that I'm not OCD, since these people saw "As Good As It Gets" and think they know what they hell are talking about.
Not an hour goes by that I don't think of some psycho killer or supernatural being killing me. I can't be in a room alone. I think I see things everywhere- in the mirror, in the window, in the corner of my eye, behind doors, etc, etc. I can't sleep with the lights out because I'm so afraid. I'm even scared to go in my dorm room bathroom, because I'm so convinced that something is gonna be standing there when I open the stall door or step out of the shower, and it's going to kill me.
I've also got a huge problem with being obsessed with the very idea of getting something done. I will plan everything out in my head, down to the very last detail. This leads to me fully convincing myself that I am doing it, and feeling so relieved that it is done that I end up doing nothing at all. I actually straight up convince myself that it is done, albeit in my mind, but that is good enough for me to continue playing JT's Blocks or whatever. And this happens *every damn day*. I literally do not study or do homework because of this. Just ask my roommates.
Repetitive thoughts that severely interfere with daily life... yeah, no shit, you could call it that.
Look at the 14 lists written out on my desk. As soon as one thing is finished, I write a whole new list. Everything I own is arranged in precise symmetry, whether or not you can notice the order or not. It's there to me. If it isn't, you've all watched me stand there for 5 minutes rearranging things in minute adjustments, and then touching it several times when I am done. I touch things to make sure they are there, in order, and for no reason at all... and it's always with the left hand. I arrange everything by size, color, number, and alphabetical order, and it will BOTHER THE SHIT OUT OF ME if it's not right. Counting things? Don't even get me started on that. People who have driven on long trips with me know all about my obsession with constantly having to know exactly how many miles it is till the next exit or our destination. I check most everything repeatedly... locks, messages, whether I have my ID on me or not, light switches, etc, etc. Even if I am looking at it, or touching it, that's not enough. I've gotta look six more times, or keep reaching in my pocket to make sure it's really there. Jeez... I don't even want to start in how the whole thing affects my personal relationships with people. That's a whole other disaster in itself.
::huge sigh::
Many thanks to my dear friend Philly for giving me the final push to call for an appointment with a counselor here at SMC. It's next Friday at 2 pm, hopefully I can hang on until then... I'm going to ask for a referral to get a consultation at Saint Joseph Medical Center. (Philly... I love you. You are the absolute greatest. Thank you so much for your support.)
It's now 6:11 am. I've managed to avoid going in my bedroom and being alone and scared out of my mind long enough... I am exhausted, I'm going to sleep now... sort of. Ha.
<--Piper-->