2001-09-20 - 10:43 p.m.
I am feeling... 
"Sitting still was never enough."
Greetings and salutations.....
On tap tonight: "The Rocky Road to Dublin" by the Dropkick Murphys.
I cannot *wait* to see them in concert. It is going to be so much fun... me and Becky, causing chaos... hells yeah. :D If the '99 and '01 Warped Tours were any indication, it is going to be an amazing show. :)
I got my U2 tickets today... the whole ticket distribution process sucked MAJOR ASS. There was NO sense of order or preparation at ALL. It was horrible! I waited in line with Jackie for 4 1/2 hours! But, however, I *am* going to see U2... so it all balances out in the end.
In more concert news... because obviously, concerts are the only highlight of my boring life... Jane's Addiction FINALLY formally announced their 10/20 Detroit show at the Palace. Josh and I are going... he is getting us tickets on Saturday... there is no way in hell I can miss this show.
::sigh:: I am pathetic. Really and truly pathetic. The only joys I find are in trivial things that are completely unimportant in the whole spectrum of life.
So here I sit. Bored. Trying to keep my dinner down. Listening to the Smashing Pumpkins. Talking to Josh. Staring at the pile of homework I have to do. Knowing I will never have enough motivation to do it all, at least not tonight. It's never tonight. It's always some other mystical free day that is never quite in my reach. The pile grows. My stress level skyrockets. My grades suffer. And yet, I can pick up the book of my life and open it at the beginning, the end, or somewhere near the middle and the story is always the same.
I hide. Constantly. From responsibility and from criticism. From my past, my present, and my future. From work and from commitment. From emotion and from intimacy. From truth and from love.
I exist to help others develop their lives further. To guide them in their evolution, if you will. This much is already apparent to me in my life. The mere tastes of emotion and the roots of experience that I acquire are only tools- tools that enable me to give advice, to share these fleeting aspects of myself with others. I have already come to terms with this, that I shall never fully develop any sort of meaningful relationship or deep emotion... anything but distrust and apathy, that is. I will never love someone for more than as long as my attention span does not wander. I am restless. I am unsatisfied. I am searching for people to use and throw away. I cannot change this, because somehow, I don't want to. I don't feel a need to. I want to keep this bizarre isolation exactly as it is, and I'm not even sure why.
I ask questions, and I give answers. I make you think. I love you, if only for the moment. I fill up a part of you that will enable you to move on to brighter days. I let you use me. I thrive on your use of my body. I show my true self. I put you through hell. I move on suddenly and leave you behind, as quickly as I can. And strange it seems, that it doesn't matter at all to you. You knew it was going to happen, because it was painfully obvious from the beginning. High atop the list of dark things that you don't talk about at parties, you can see me in all my true, invisible glory. I'm not someone you keep around. Watch me go, turn around, go find someone new. I'm not worth the heartache, because I will never ache for you. I don't think I ever cared, but I'll never know if I did or not. It's not something that interests me, these emotions that I just cannot feel.
What happened to me, that I should lead such a pointless and offensive existence? I honestly have no idea. No wonder I have always sought out a future in the military. You don't need a conscience to pick up a gun and fight for your country. I always believed that I didn't need to feel if all I did was fight. And so I fought. My God, did I fight. Anything I could. I still do.
I have stopped all attempts at a normal existence. I live day to day, routine to routine. My affliction with obsessive-compulsive disorder has gotten worse by the year. I run through the motions and I don't care why. Getting disqualified from ROTC only worsened this emptiness. The only thing I have honestly desired has been yanked away from me, if only temporarily. But it defeated me enough to send me into an introverted spiral, to examine my life and my lack of a real life. I found no answers. I found no desire. I found no spark, no joie de vivre. I found nothing.
This is the curse I live with, the course I take in life. This is the shapeless darkness, the rage that inexplicably consumes every corner of my soul. This is Lucifer rising inside me.
~*~Piper~*~