2001-06-18 - 12:36 a.m.
I am feeling... 
"The experiment."
Greetings and salutations.....
OK, Emily, I hope this works...
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Fuck.
Fuck me and my lack of better judgement. I could avoid a good part of the situations I get into, but I don't. And why the hell not? The hell if I know. I used to think that it was because I liked to hurt myself, but I eventually realized that that definitely was not the case. I don't get off on treating myself like shit. Tonight I discovered that I'm not as strong as anyone thinks I am, including myself.
I get in this shit because I cannot say no. I get in this shit because I ignore my gut feelings. I get in this shit because I think I can save myself. But, as my track record shows, I can't. I can't. Because if that was the case, I would have saved myself a long time ago. Whatever happened to the moments when I truly was invincible? Rachel-Lynn, Keith, Mike, Justin, Kelly, Amanda, Patrick, Kyle... did I die when all my friends started to die? I was supposed to start to live when the worst part of my life started to disappear... and I do live... but why do I feel as though I died?
I've been wandering through the last few years in a complete daze. I can't remember the last time I have looked in a mirror and seen myself. But would I even remember what I look like? I have effectively arranged my life so that no one will ever know me, not even myself... but what do I have to do to get me back?
I have tried countless times. Crying, dreaming, telling myself it'll all disappear someday... but what has it gotten me? The nightmares still come, the loneliness stays, and the insomnia gets worse. I gave up drugs, so it's no longer a matter of turning to a line of something illegal. What the hell can I do?
And so, on my road to redemption for my past sins, I get tripped up by a familiar sting. I've been used and tossed aside, but it no longer comes as some great shock to me, just like a feeling you've felt a million times. It has its consequences, though. I'm starting to think that maybe I can't be fixed. Maybe I'm meant to stay like this. But I can never, ever go back to the old me. My anger has died down, as has my dependence on drugs and abuse. The old scene I used to be a fixture of has spun around and transformed. I am out of touch. So many people are dead. So many people are changed. And, like me, so many people are lost, caught between fully embracing a new, bright world and throwing it all away for our ticket to that never-ending party that we've been chasing for so long, whatever our reasons may have been. What was my reason in the first place? Why did I allow myself to get caught up in the firestorm that changed my life in ways I'm still attempting to comprehend?
I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. I can only try not to look to the past that still dances in circles around me as I plan for a better future. But that's it. I'm through. This is the last time I am swearing this to myself, because I can't keep letting my past ruin my future...
It's not mine anymore. My past is no longer a part of me. It belongs to someone who has since disappeared. Someone who died. It does not belong to the shell of the girl who once was. And for better or worse, I'm still here. I'm still living through it. And I guess I'm just going to stay a shell of who I once was until I can regain myself.
Regain... rebuild... or reinvent.
Whatever works.
And whatever cures this emptiness.
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Thank you, Emily. It worked.
Let the mending begin.
~*~Piper~*~